


i'm not okay, i feel so scattered.

by luvelles (orphan_account)



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: #helpstevenuniverse2k20, (and its about guess what oh yes suicide), (you cant really tell ig but theres a theme here), Angst without a happy ending, Hurt No Comfort, Mentions of Planning Suicide, Post-Episode: s06e19 I Am My Monster, Steven Universe Needs a Hug, like somebody PLEASE comfort this child he is not okay, these tags are mean im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:08:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24471085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/luvelles
Summary: In which Steven has some "not so nice thoughts" (and doubts every familial truth he's ever known.)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 42





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at like 5am last night so I'm really sorry if it's awful.  
> (I'll probably redo it soon because I honestly have nothing better to do.)

The beach house had been utter drowning in silence for the past week since the recent public meltdown of Steven Universe.

The boy who used to be so bubbly and upbeat spent all his time shutting himself away in either Rose’s or his own room sulking and refusing to come out for anything (Which only fueled the worries of his family even more so than before).

But Steven didn’t seem to care about their ‘concern’ for his wellbeing. They hadn’t cared about him or his feelings for so,  _ so  _ long, so why should he care about theirs now?

He knew he shouldn’t be this cold towards them, his family, he shouldn’t be ignoring them at every turn, but he couldn’t help it.

Maybe it was embarrassment. Embarrassment from his complete breakdown and embarrassment from him destroying  _ everything  _ and them having to fix his mess and fix  _ him. _

Maybe it was anger. Anger at the thought that nobody in the entire universe seemed to care about him unless it benefited them. Nobody cared until it was too late.

Or maybe it was just utter exhaustion. He was so  _ tired  _ of everything; having to fix every single mistake his mother thought it’d be fun to leave behind for him. Tired from being everyone’s shoulder to cry on when that’s just what he needed himself, tired of helping everyone but himself when  _ he  _ turned out to be the one who needed help so much more.

He was tired of feeling only this  _ pain.  _ He was tired of thinking so many horrible thoughts.

He was tired of living as a whole.

Would anybody  _ really  _ care if he just—

disappeared?

Maybe his dad would, but he’d get over it eventually.

Connie would probably be too busy studying to care. No, ((stop being dramatic steven)) he knew she would care at first, but she’d get over it too.

The gems…

He wasn’t sure about them.

Maybe they’d be happy that their recent main source of all their issues would be gone. They never  _ really  _ cared about him. Hell, Pearl had even tried ripping his gem out on more than one occasion, that really said a lot about how much she actually considered his life even worth her time.

He knew all would be easier without him dragging trouble wherever he went.   
But how could he even pull this new idea off? The only rational idea he had at the moment probably wouldn’t be easy.

White Diamond seemed to have done it easily, but he wasn’t sure if he could too. And it wasn’t like he could casually go up to one of the gems or anyone he was in any good terms with and be like ‘Hey, do you think you could help me  _ die  _ real fast?’, that’s just stupid.

Maybe he could do it, maybe he couldn’t. He would never know if he didn’t try, though.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I didn't plan on making a second chapter to this, so I hope it's not absolutely horrible!

Steven sat quietly on the edge of the Temple’s hand, his feet dangling over the edge as he watched the sunrise. The sky swirled with so maybe different colors, and it would have been breathtaking to anyone else. It was breathtaking to Steven, but not in the way one would think. The multiple colors blending together above the horizon made Steven think about the colors of the diamond essence mixing with one another in the bathtub. It made him think of just one thing he did that made him start to spiral into his monster mindset.

He hurt so many people, the overwhelming number finally catching up to him and making his breath get caught in his throat as he tried to hold back sobs when he realized just how many beings, humans, and gems alike, he hurt, and how many he could have  _ killed _ .

The ocean tide slapped against the rocks surrounding the temple, he thought about when Amethyst has fallen off the hill and cracked her gem, Steven what would happen to him if he ‘fell’ too.

He didn’t just want his gem to  _ crack,  _ no, he wanted it to  _ shatter.  _ He wanted it to shatter into so many tiny little specks that the shards mixed in with the sand of the beach.

He couldn’t just yank the stupid thing out of his navel, he tried that already. White Diamond seemed to be special in so many ways, one of those ways being that only she could just rip a gem out of someone in the literal blink of an eye.

It couldn’t just be as simple as taking his gem out and smashing it with a hammer or some other tool until it looked like glittery cotton candy mix, of course not, things were never that easy for Steven Universe.

He stood. He’d have to get this done before dawn had fully broken and the gems came looking for him once they realized he was not in his room.

Steven took one last single look at the beach house and the way the sun reflecting off the windows made it seem to glow. He knew they’d be okay without him.

Taking one last deep breath, Steven jumped.

The breeze felt refreshing as he fell through the air. It was calming until it wasn’t. Until there was only pain.

Steven could not see the damage. He could not see the pink diamond that had shattered inside his navel and impaled multiple parts of his stomach. He could not see anything, nor did he want to.

He slid off the rock he’d landed on in a way that would have been comical had it not been for the circumstance and his head fell back onto the sand. His exhausted eyes shut for the last time as his body relaxed. It was peaceful, painful but peaceful.

  
  
  


Nobody had found his bloodied cold and pale corpse until it was  _ far _ too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god i need to stop hurting this boy


End file.
